Mom

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

It's been almost seven months since my mom's passing, and over eight months that the world went into chaos due to Covid. My mother didn't die because of Covid; she died due to a sudden and unexpected heart attack.

I received a distressed call from my father at 2:30 am on April 17, 2020, with the news. A piece of me died that night with my mom. I'd like to think the part of me that died is with her now because I know that the part of her that lives with me now, on this side of heaven. 

Pure delight gripped my body as I waited for her to answer my calls. I'm so grateful, more than ever, to have her emails and text messages that I have printed to make a collage. She sent me the most precious messages addressing me as her "little papoose" or her "babykins." Sometimes she used to call me Val, which is short for my middle name, Valerie.

It breaks my heart that I can't grow old with my mom. I wanted my hair to go entirely grey, so my grey-haired self could sit and talk with her grey-haired self, in the same memory that she used to sit and talk with her mom: sharing life stories. Because that's what older people do; they talk about their lives and impart wisdom. So considering her untimely death, I feel robbed of the opportunity not to grow old with my mom.

I think I have known and adored her for beyond a millennium. She housed me in her womb for nine months; her blood nourished me and gave me life; her blood still gives me life today, as it still runs through my veins. That's why I feel for as long as I'm alive; mom is alive, how can it be any other way. It's our bloodlines that connect our psyches to our ancestral lineage, and it's our heart's intelligence that knows gratitude for a life that is much older than our own!

Val’s Promise

Mom, “you are the music, you are the golden key.” These words from a song I once heard struck a chord with me, as I feel they describe your essence. Every cell in your body knew rhythm. Your heartbeat, like a musical conductor, guided you as an instrument of love that played in unison with the orchestra of life. You knew how to go with the flow. Your beating heart knew that silence in music as in life is also an essential part of that flow.

Now I hear your heart’s silence like Vivaldi’s spring! You didn’t leave the flow of life; on the contrary, you are directing it. You are the epitome of beauty, grace, and strength that resonate at the highest of vibrations. You are my creative reality!

I promise to you that I will ride life’s current of grace like a river; I will take the path of least resistance because that’s where I’ll find you. Mama, I’ll meet you on the grassy banks or near the small ridge where the wildflowers grow. Like forest nymphs, our hearts will beat as one as we synchronize with the rhythm of life and take care of the plants and the animals, heal the ill, and bring joy to the world. I promise you that I will take care of my heart and that I will love and cherish you in everything I do today and all the beautiful tomorrows. See you in Bliss!